After All Things Done
by Nny11
Summary: Saren and Benezia have been defeated, and Liara struggles to find peace after everything is said and done.


It was a roiling in her stomach, tightening in her throat, a light headedness and headache. Small bursts of lightning seemed to shoot down her arms as Liara tries to unclench her fists and relax her shoulders before something was over strained. Keep your head up, gaze out just beyond the crowd, be polite.

Advice from a mother she was currently being applauded and awarded for murdering.

On her left, Wrex who's mostly annoyed with having to stand up here like some sort of entertainment for the denizens of the Citadel—but also highly amused that the Councilors and high ranking members of nearly every race had been forced to drape awards and praise on him. As Liara struggled to keep her heart from pounding out her chest, she managed a smile as Wrex gave a small snap of his jaw making the Alliance Admiral skip backwards a step. She's happy for him, getting this kind of recognition is important not just for Wrex but for Krogan everywhere. They need the galaxy to finally look up and say, "You are not worthless." She hoped that this could spur some sort of movement for Korgan rights and lifting of sanctions. Goddess knows they didn't deserve everything that was thrown at them. For a moment Liara allowed herself to feel a burst of happiness at this wretched ceremony before the attention fell to her.

Of course most of them were tactful enough to only mention her helping with Saren and the attack on the Citadel. That did not make up for them publically thanking everyone else for stopping Benezia. It did not stop a few of them from having some sort of misplaced attempt at a grand gesture, both to appease her and to gain popularity, by "acknowledging" how hard it must have been to fight against her own mother. Shut up, please shut up! All playing a political game for favors and appearances using the T'Soni family to bolster themselves up while appearing benevolent. Liara nods and smiles best she can. Accepts handshakes, medals, ribbons, and photographs. What else can she do? Storm off the stage and draw the ire of the matriarchs? Embarrass her friends, her "brothers in arms" by throwing a fit? She thinks of Wrex, of Tali. Didn't they deserve a small piece of recognition, hadn't they sacrificed as well?

Not as much as me, not nearly as much as me.

Finally, Tevos stood alone and in her hands a folded robe in T'Soni colors. Liara's focus evaporated somewhere along the way with all the speeches. She tries to watch the Councilor's lips to discern what is said. Her anger fast turning to desolation. Her hands shook as she took the ceremonial robe. A hand on her face? Liara looks into eyes of sadness, remorse, and regret. Of course, Tevos had known her mother, they had become allies then friends. Selfish child. Liara swallows, jaw frozen shut. The hand on her cheek goes to her shoulder, a gentle squeeze, a half sent message.

And then they are on to Garrus, and Liara feels both relief and rage as the cameras turn from her.

How dare they pretend that a tragedy hadn't happened, how dare they pretend it was some great victory to murder a brainwashed victim!

A giant, warm hand on her left shoulder. The lightning returned shooting down her arms, a sign begging her to loose her corona. Let them see your anger! Be bold for once in your pathetic life! Fists clenched into the fabric of the robe, the only acknowledgement from anyone that Benezia had sacrificed for them all but that her sacrifice had been in vain. Done in a subtle fashion, one that other races wouldn't recognize. Suddenly Liara was sure she would vomit, her vision tunneled, she couldn't breath. I am going to die, on stage, on camera. Goddess help me!

A claw poked harshly into her back, Liara managed to pull in a breath, then another, and another. She kept her feet. Forced herself to ignore the chest pains, and the unintelligible noise she was hearing even as it grew louder. Why was it so loud?

When she was a young child, Liara had seen a counselor for her anxiety and unsocial behavior. Strange things to see in an Asari child, who usually returns to her mother but still is a restless explorer, whose fears could be soothed with a meld. Liara wondered how hard it must have been for her mother, a matriarch and a priestess, to take her to someone else because Benezia could not help her. She had learned a lot from that counselor. She learned to look at people just above their nose so that it would look like she was making eye contact. She learned how to quietly signal her mother when she was distressed. And she learned how to manage anxiety attacks. The first thing was that she needed to focus on her left foot, how it feels right now. Hot, cold, in pain, holding weight? Then slowly make her way up the left leg. Once she was at her hip, go down the other leg, part by part to calm down. If she was still feeling completely anxious, she should start listing the colors she can see. Try to take slow deep breaths while doing that but if it needs to wait, wait until you are done. Then breathe slowly in for ten counts and out for ten counts. Use a clock if you can. Time dilates and you don't notice.

Liara began to slow her breathing and concentrated on Wrex's claw in her back. It wasn't a bad pain anymore, and it did help her focus as he seemed to both randomly and rhythmically increase and decrease the pressure keeping her present, keeping her alert. Liara wanted to brush her hand up and down her arm. She wanted her mother to help her. The empty robe seemed slippery in her sweaty grip. Wrex gave her one last poke before his hand dropped back to his side. Liara carefully lifted her gaze to see some sort of final wrap up.

Blue, purple, yellow, red, orange, grey, black, white, green, pink, blue, yellow, pink, white, red, orange, blue, purple, yellow, brown, brown, white, green—

Applause. They all bunched together for a celebratory photograph. Shepard smiled. Hatred and guilt burned in her before Liara smiles too. Flashing lights. White, white, white, why is there no light, they always said there would be…

Shuffled off stage to a remote area with guards to protect them, herded into the shuttles and cars to be taken away before someone hurts them. VIP status. Liara remembers shuffling behind Shiala and Malina and staring with a bit of fear at their guns. Mother out front waving, touching hands and faces as masses of people poured forward for a moment of her time, a shred of her wisdom, a blessing of some sort. Little Liara watched the crowds and watched the guards guns in fear that they would lift and shoot as Benezia collapsed to the ground. Liara does not actually remember lifting her gun or pulling the trigger, she remembers dropping it and running towards her mother's collapsed form. No one has told her who took the killing shot, Liara has a feeling she shoves deep down that their silence means it was her. Her eyes remain locked on the Turian's rifle as she gently guides Liara into the shuttle, her mandibles flickering in concern for her. Liara looks up to try and say thank you, the woman's eyes are a striking silver and her purple facial markings are beautiful. Liara cannot remember what they look like, just that it took her breath away for a moment.

The door shuts and seals, and someone pulls her into a rough hug. Female, human, her voice quietly sooths. Ashley. Goddess thank you for Ashley Williams, for she is kind and loyal. Give her joy and give her peace for what she does for me.

There is another flicker of anger as Liara realizes that Shepard has never tried to help her. There was one awkward question of if she was ok, and then it was dropped. How is it that the woman who wanted Liara locked in the brig and watched at all times is now the one who holds her? The one that tells her stories? The one that tries to reach out and help. Liara notices an ache in her arms and is surprised that she is hugging back. When did that happen? She doesn't stop.

Eventually she pulls herself together again, no tears shed, and manages to lean back again. She is now the pathetic center of attention for her two friends who don't know what to do with her. She almost laughs as she realizes that all of them have lost a parent in this shuttle. The pity shuttle? Did someone plan this, so that Liara wouldn't feel alone? She feels a small burst of hope that Shepard did plan it, and lets it be ruthlessly crushed by her misplaced anger.

"I am a wreck." The words tumble out even as Liara tries to pull them back in, her hands on the rope of the net and feels herself being pulled slowly out to sea. She bites down on her tongue hard enough to hurt, she wonders if it will bleed or if she'll bite a piece off. Liara holds onto that thought as Ashley smiles at her and Wrex actually laughs.

"If it makes you feel better, I almost puked on Udina and not just because he was talking to me." Ashely says it casually with a shrug.

Wrex huffs. "You should have let me eat him when I offered, easier and messier."

Liara feels a small smile work its way across her face again. It obvious how forced this is, how badly they are trying to make her feel better. She is forever grateful that it works.

"Please Wrex, we just cleaned up the Citadel and I don't want to do that again." Liara tries to keep her voice light and steady.

Wrex leans forward until his nose almost touches hers.

"Then I'll take him to the wards, maybe Zakera, heard you can even shoot up strip club down there and not get in trouble."

"You shoot up a strip club one time!" Ashley throws her hands in the air.

Her tongue hurts from biting it, her shoulders feel like stones, her neck is on fire, and she still wants to throw up. Liara still feels better than she has all day. Back to the Normandy, safety, quiet and alone. Steal a few hours of trying to sleep on her cot and maybe she will be up to the actual celebration and party the crew is having at Flux later on. Liara doubts it, but she still wants to go. Again, much like being a child clinging desperately first to an acolyte's dress and then her mother's flowing robes at a party. Begging not to go even as she asked if she could. Her mother's bemused smiled crinkling around her eyes as they simply looped around and around.

I want to go. Then Come. But I don't want to go! Then you do not need to be there. But I want to go! Then I welcome you. I'm scared, don't make me! I will not make you come if you do not want to. Don't te-hease me! Come here Little Wing, I am not teasing you at all, you can do whatever you wish.

Liara's feet wander and eventually she is tucked away into her small room and lab. Her mind wanders too, stuck between the near and distant past. It meanders along, selecting memories at random.

Her mother's smile as Liara sheepishly slips into dinner late, grass stains all over. The way the household simply goes along with it as Benezia adds, unnecessarily Liara thinks, a section to their prayer on timeliness and cleanliness.

Sitting on a balcony overlooking a lake, below the drummers pound furiously and revelers dance on the shore. Benezia pulls her close, fighting tears, and tells her that some places are more special than others as Liara desperately tries to figure out how to stop those watering eyes.

Liara trying to wipe off some mash from her elbow, having been too enamored with her best friend to notice where her food was at this large fancy meal. Her mouth dropping wide open as her Mother with gusto and purpose sticks her own elbow into a bowl of cold soup. The stifled laughter as a few of her acolytes do the same, and suddenly many people around the table seem to be finding a way to put their own elbows into the food.

Hiding in the bushes, back aching as she hides from the bullies at school. She sees an invisible wall built between them and her. Liara disappears into the leaves and the dirt and tries not to squirm.

Shepard grabbing her shoulders gently and asking if she's sure. Not shielding her from the reality of what they may have to do, yet whose mere concern and presence seem to block pain and evil from reaching her. The howling wind outside and the mild humidity in the lobby make Liara sweat and shiver. She nods and watches something in the Commander's eyes go blank.

As the mako descends onto the poisonous world below, Shepard whoops and laughs as Ashley sarcastically begins to pray loudly. Liara's teeth are clenched so hard they hurt, she finds herself genuinely following along with the alien and her God. Tali begins to chime in with her own addendums and additions as they plummet.

Liara falls and laughs as Benezia catches her, the biotic bubble she'd been floating in destroyed after she had appropriately pleaded for the tickling to stop. Her mother is also laughing loudly, and the two only pause as some dignitary in their doorway begins to cackle along, and then all three of them are laughing.

Liara touches the robe again, her new medals, ribbons, and awards sit on top of it. She has official membership to all the council races now, and was even awarded a few honorary titles and ranks. Mother would have been proud. Proud that Liara had stood up without being asked, that Liara had gone forth to do good for the universe, and that Liara was getting recognized for her hard work. Mother would have been terrified at all the dangers Liara had been through, and would have been insistent on asking after her emotional and mental wellbeing. Liara could practically hear her now, "My sweet child, my only child, you had to kill and that is not simple nor easy. You can talk to me, when you are ready. I hope you will talk to me." Liara grips the cloth causing some of the awards to fall off to the cot or the floor. She does not want the unfound soldier's clothes. She wants her mother. The one she killed. The tears come then no longer held in check by public scrutiny or kind friends.

She wants to die.

She wants to live, and she wants her mother back.

She wants someone to pay for what happened, Saren was not enough.

She wants to forgive him the way she did before the final confrontation.

Liara thinks about how she once wanted to be a Justicar to save the galaxy and protect Asari, and how this is not quite the way she expect this all to go. And it makes her choke on a laugh. What a way to spin your wheels.

"As she wandered through the forest, pitch dark and full of creatures and monsters, her torch did flicker. As it failed Anti closed her eyes and fell to the ground hand beating on her breast. She threw the dirt onto her back and cried into the ground, for lost how would she make it to the dawn? For hours she lay helpless and broken before the courage came to open her eyes and face her death. And like ten thousand jewels where hung, the trees and plants did glow. She knew that her way was lit now, filled now with life." Liara paused stretching to remember the ending. Struggling. "She…she rose and stumbled forward amongst the dazzling lights…lost though she was, it, she was not afraid?"

Strange to lose that tale so fully, having heard it so many times. Strange to feel so hurt and lost now that it was over instead of in the thick of her mother's passing or in the days after. Perhaps it didn't feel real then, or perhaps she was too worried about something else. Liara can't seem to remember that either. It plagues her like a rotten lullaby and shakes her fast to sleep.


End file.
